Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
