How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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