I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
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He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
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The dick lei will go down in squad history
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
last night I used snow as a chaser
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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