This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
