i think i scared a bird with my dick
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
