sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
