Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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