Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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