Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Randomize
