last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
