I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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