highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
