Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
