That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
