Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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