my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
