As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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