I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
