You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
