our cab driver is having phone sex.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
