Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
