I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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