my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
oh god was she eating orange peels again
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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