Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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