No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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