She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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