I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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