But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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