He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
