Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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