you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
