I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
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I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
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I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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