I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Randomize
