I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
