I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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