My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
