I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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