Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you didnt know i had herpes?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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