easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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