New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
