she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
