Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
