If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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