I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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