who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
