I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
