sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
