If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize