Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Randomize
