i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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