I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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