I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
