and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
