There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I smell like Dick and happiness
I am mentally ready for anal.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
