is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
