that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
