I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
How's work?
Spinning.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
